I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. But it’s not because I haven’t cared. It’s because I’ve cared a little too much. To entertain love is to fall in and I didn’t want to do that without a better image of me.
I reached a place where there was very little left. I had given the best of me away too many times. My best smiles, my best body, my best dreams. My best everything.
With my best desires gone away I couldn’t identify your love because I wasn’t in a place to see you. And to me love is self-less and service and deserves a never give up type of spirit.
And at that time I had nothing for this way of loving.
So I didn’t pursue it and I didn’t make room for it to pursue me. Regardless, I now understand that I didn’t have to be perfect for you, I just had to be open. But when you’re broken and bent a little too much, It’s hard to identify real love. And so I waited. And I studied another kind of love.
A love that wouldn’t beat me or destroy me like the broken loves from before.
A love that could help redefine all of my romantic dreams so I could identify the right door to walk through, so that I could eventually be ready — for you. A love that has made me ready — for more.
You see, sometimes I was lonely.
When life slowed all the way down, loneliness crept in at times.
I thought of returning to old beds, just to taste the familiar, to kill some time, to fill up a little emptiness. But then I remembered the regrets, the arguments, the fights and the loneliness.
The loneliness in a relationship is the worst of it sometimes.
And so, I stayed away from yesterday.
But still I didn’t run to you Lover.
Partly because I didn’t know your full name. Partly because I would run if you came through too hard and too strong. Partly because I wasn’t quite ready to stop being alone. You see, if I choose to fill up the empty moments with your love, then for your sake I need to know that I can love you enough
- to hold you close when I am full,
- to make room for you when I don’t need everything from you,
- to remember you when the dream is winning instead of struggling through.
I’m just saying, love is about more than what you can do for me. It’s about what I can do for you too. And I wasn’t willing to take from you in seasons when I didn’t have a never-give-up type of love to share. When I had nothing to give you.
I wanted to know —
I wanted to know what made me choose one man over another. So that when it was time to choose you, I wouldn’t accidentally end up with the wrong brother. I wanted to know what made me put up with the crap I’ve accepted from all kinds of past relationships, so that when it was time to let you see me I looked more like diamonds, as queens tend to do, than desperation.
I needed to understand my worth. I needed a stronger relationship with first breath, the God-moment that gave me life. I needed to know me at my core. And now that I do, I am ready for a strong warring man.
Here’s an excerpt from the writing room (from the “real love” poems), and it’s raw…just me playing around with words.
So Lover, as the time of our meeting draws close, just know that you don’t have to be perfect to get my love. But you do have to be open.
— Jamillah Warner
aka Lady J @ HotPrayers.com
P.S. The day I wrote this…
Had just left the studio re-recording the love poems for Hot Prayers Flow Like Fire and feeling some kind of way about being single, being in love, being lonely, being creative, being blessed. And being reflective about a few decisions I’ve made and the price I paid. And so I wrote an open letter to my future.
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stay in the middle of everything (the short films, the live events & the free “never give up! on you” course).