If you keep dating the package instead of the real person in front of you, then you’ll create another broken heart —how to get around the nonsense and never give up on the real thing
Tight abs. Tall enough to touch the sky. And too funny. Those have made interesting dating experiences for me and sparked a few love poems too. But when it comes down to real life decisions — pause a minute.
Matter of fact, close your eyes so you can think.
You can’t build a life with a set of sexy abs. You need more. Some substance. Some never give up-ability. Some realness. In fact, the real thing requires a whole lot more than just a good looking man with that penetrating glare. That never give up love requires more than a good look.
Dating sometimes plays a cruel trick on your heart. If you don’t know better, you can start thinking the package is thing.
I never meant to do this
But it happened anyway. By accident I started collecting love stories. Stories about that Never Give Up kind of love.
My favorites are the couples that stand the test of time. The old loves with the fresh fire still burning strong.
But when dating, it’s easy to follow the designer package instead of the real person.
Dating muscles & money? Or something more?
Men who are dating a look and a physical style, instead of the style of a woman’s soul, the curve of her conversation and that extra spark in her spirit are preparing for heartache. And women who date the muscles and the money instead of the real man are preparing for the same thing. Cause success in the gym is not a sign for being able to love you the way you need to be loved.
Don’t get me wrong men and women want (and deserve in my opinion) some eye candy. In fact, it’s the package that sparks the conversation in the first place. But let’s go deeper please. For the sake of your first marriage (or your next) — go deeper. #JustSaying
Never give up on the real thing
Sometimes, it’s hard to watch people have what you want. But you don’t really know what they have until you get up close and personal.
What you don’t want is a power couple look with a bunch of pain underneath the surface. There’s nothing sexy about fake love and dating nonsense. What’s sexy is the real thing — and you have to go deeper to discover the real thing.
I remember, shortly after my divorce, love and laughter were everywhere. And I remember how I just wanted to run. Cause it’s not like others broke because I broke. Or others cried because I cried. Or others fell out of love because I had fallen out of mine. Or maybe I was pushed out. Life goes on. Even when stuff happens to make you feel like you are out of step with time and everyone around you. Life. goes. on.
And I learned to go on too
But funny thing is — in private it was the love songs that gave me hope. Not all of them, but I do remember Kem’s music feeling like that last chance for me to dream. At that time I couldn’t see past my own aches. And I tried to, but my vision was blurry. Might have been the tears. Might have been the flashbacks.
Regardless, I was used to dreaming years into my future. But back then I couldn’t see pass the moment I was in. Just enough vision to survive the day.
Love slapped me in the face
It was something I couldn’t escape. I have always been surrounded by couples.
So by accident — at least in my mind — I started collecting the love stories. I mean, I Iistened to the horrors. And it made me feel less crazy because bad things do happen. The twilight zone sometimes becomes real life. But I _collected_ the love stories to save my future love life and current brokened heart.
I am attracted to how real love finds a match…
…to how they stack hope over pain, to how their connection survives another day. When I heard about how my parents (41 years of marriage so far) first met, I was intrigued how two young black twenty somethings managed to bump into each other in the middle of a revolution. It was the 70’s and they were in their 20s and they just wanted a bigger life than the ones they came from. She was pursuing her version of it. He was pursuing his. She, from North Carolina. He, from Georgia. They met in Virginia.
My mind runs back into the history books
Trying to construct the world around them. I try to image what she had on when she walked in for that interview downtown Richmond, VA during a time when the Vietnam War was still happening. A point in our history when blacks where defiant just for wanting to be treated equally.
I tried to imagine how he looked at that desk — a young, black man building his sales crew. What he must have thought underneath that professional demeanor. To be young. To have dreams in a world that fights against you just because of your skin. And still make your own success. And bump into your future in the middle of it.
I know love stories. And the real life ones, like my parents, have a lot of grit in them, a lot of hell and high waters to overcome. Cause it takes some real beauty, strength and wisdom to recognize and love the right person for the long haul.
But those encounters are like poetry to me
There are some dancers that are fluid like the lines of a well-versed poem. I know one. And she can say what needs to be said from one motion to the next. So watch this excerpt from the Hot Prayer’s Launch Party and let me know what you think. By the way, she’s dancing with her fiancé (tho they weren’t engaged at the time of the filming).
And about that dating package
You’ve got to get beyond the look and get to the real person to even stand a chance. Cause in the end you want your dating experience to eventually turn into something real. You want a lover with an emotional core that’s strong enough to survive a storm. You want a lover unafraid to grow up, grow old, grow stronger with you. You want a love who remembers the love between you when you’re not together. You want to become more together. And muscle and money and red bottom shoes can’t give you that. But mindset and heart condition can.
Never give up or the real thing. Just make sure you’re bringing the real thing to the table. The version on you that’s working on something more. The version of you that’s learning how to forgive cause it looks like every relationship needs that.
aka Lady J @ HotPrayers.com
PS: Who do you think you are? is…
…a track on my Spoken Word album, Hot Prayers Flow Like Fire — spoken word soundtrack for survival. Click Here to order your copy – either autographed CD or download. And if you already have yours, then read who do you think you are out loud to a friend and share the moment.
PPS: If you love it, share it
Help me spread the word. Share it, Facebook it, Tweet it. Just don’t keep it to yourself.
HOT-SHOUTOUTS for the week. 1). Videographer — Keesha Hooks with KVP Images. 2. Choreographers/Dancers — Kennya Boston & Quintavious James